And here I was, tried my best never to be mean to anyone, pursued a productive career, worked hard to help all of my friends. Even three years ago, I knew there were Henry-like people – your abusers, your rapists, your bullies – and it wasn’t hard to notice that none of them seemed to be having the crushing loneliness problem I was suffering from.I didn’t think I deserved to have the prettiest girl in school prostrate herself at my feet. And, like my patient Dan, I just wanted to know – how is this fair?Such a response would be so antisocial and unjust that it could only possibly come from the social justice movement. I’ve been thinking about “nice guys” lately for a couple of reasons.
But for me it looked more like the story of a psychiatrist from an upper-middle-class background suddenly realizing how dysfunctional and screwed-up a lot of his patients are and having his mind recoil in horror from the fact – which is something I can sympathize with.
Henry was the worst of a bad bunch, but nowhere near unique.
” There seems to be some confusion about this, so let me explain what it means, to everyone, for all time.
It does not mean “I am nice in some important cosmic sense, therefore I am entitled to sex with whomever I want.” It means: “I am a nicer guy than Henry.” Or to spell it out very carefully, Henry clearly has no trouble attracting partners.
And he was getting a little philosophical about it, and he asked – I’m paraphrasing here – why haven’t things worked out for me?
I’m hard-working, I’ve never missed a day of work until now, I’ve always given a hundred and ten percent.
He’s been married five times and had multiple extra-marital affairs and pre-marital partners, many of whom were well aware of his past domestic violence convictions and knew exactly what they were getting into.
Meanwhile, here I was, twenty-five years old, never been on a date in my life, every time I ask someone out I get laughed at, I’m constantly teased and mocked for being a virgin and a nerd whom no one could ever love, starting to develop a serious neurosis about it.
This topic is personally enraging to me and I don’t promise I can treat it fairly.] I recently had a patient, a black guy from the worst part of Detroit, let’s call him Dan, who was telling me of his woes.